Julien's Juice 523 ~ In my end is my beginning

Depression is never a matter of reason. It it can actually be physical affliction. I have clinical depression.Depleted levels of seratonin, at times. And I was sort of, treated for it. I refuse to take any medication( i'm not ill). I had maybe 4 therapy sessions to get my mind focused on getting better, REALLY works. trust me; I'm an expert
I now, don't go to therapy anymore. Don't need it. i now know what it is and what i need to do to get through a depressy period. i've stopped beating myslef up about it and just own up to it. if I feel depressed; I let those closest to me, know that, i'm down in the dumps. And they take it into account. Instead of staying in, and wallowing in that "empty' feeling; i get a phonecall from time to time. have a wee chat. Hang out at their place. And refocus my mind. and before I know it; i'm back on form.

And a wee moan and bitch on the Garden does wonders:P

Glad to hear it Rodney!

Sometimes depression is a hard one for me, because I know from reading that it is the way you think about things...learning how to frame things in a more positive way, start looking outwards not inwards can be really beneficial. Yet many depressed people by the nature of it feel that depression is something that happens to them, that it is out of their control. And I would never say this to a depressed person because it sounds like I'm just saying think your way out of it, and I kind of am, but maybe that's just as insulting as telling someone to just cheer up!

Depression is a controversial subject to me, shouldn't I be depressed by what I've lost? No, I am too angry to be depressed. But we are all built different *sigh*

Count your blessings is all I can say, others aren't so fortunate and still can find joy in life

Anyway, going to the hotel gym, then shower, then going to try out an Ethiopian restaurant

I'm angry rather than depressed about what I've lost as well

I've felt angry but never the sort of crippling anger that can take over a person. It's not an emotion I've often felt.

not crippling, that's a tad strong!

I dont know which is worse. Anxiety or depression. I go through bouts of both. Then I just have a drink and say "Eff it!" lol

Jesse what kinda food do they serve at that Ethiopian place?
Im gonna hafta google what it consists of. I wanna try new stuff but Rick likes the same old American or Mexican or Italian and Chinese.

The thing with depression is that it happens to everybody. Exactly the way Jane explained. And Jesse is right about counting your blessings and hold on to them.
Like I mentioned before; there is also something as clinical depression. very much like bipolar disorder. these are proven medical conditions that, can be treated a myriad of ways. some take pills. some find a way, with or without therapy, to overcome depressed moods. what i have been fighting for my whole life, is recognition of that fact. It is NOT circumstantial. You can feel depressed for NO reason whatsoever. Clinical depression is NOT a state of mind; it is a condition.Like OCD. That is oftimes why I don't try to explain to people what it is. People might think; you have nothing to feel sad about; you haven't been through what i've been through. you might have a fantastic fulfilling life, ergo; you're exegerrating. Being with someone who has proper depression is VERY difficult and frustrating. that's why when depressed;you feel angry at yourself for feeling that way for no damn reason

The best I can describe it as, is; empty. completley empty, you feel no real sadness, you don't see the positive in anything. you basically feel "dead" inside. there is absolutely no "joy" And those are the darkest feelings I sometimes deal with.(But that's when it gets REALLY bad and don't do anything about it) not because I've had a tough life. but because that's what the condition does. you can by some chemical shit, like Prozac, to dope your brain with a synthetic coctail of fake seratonin. But, that just "keeps you going". Not really a solution IMO. and addictive, to boot. If you feel depressed and you feel like you're stuck; talk to someone to make yourself get unstuck. Nothing controversial about it; it's what it is and there are ways to deal with it.
Rant over

Yes that is exactly how it feels. I feel like am just vanishing, drifting from the world. That's why there are people who cut themselves.. so they know that they are still alive. That they haven't disappeared into nothingness.

I am a kind of person that likes to deal with things alone. That's why I am dragging this, trying to learn more about myself and the mechanisms behind it. I have found some but the emptiness is what is most comsuming right now. As Rodney said, its important to keep people closer as when you are alone, you tend to fall deeper. But we shall see.



2 days to go till holiday.

I suffer from depression from time to time too. Winston Churchill did as well so I guess we are all in good company. He called it "being in the jaws of the black dog" which Ive always thought was a good description.

I took prozac for it for a time until one night I was sitting on the couch doing nothing in particular and realized I was *grinning* from ear to ear vacantly. So I went off it which was really hars as I had all the stuff with Mark happen ...then my mother died. I could have used some vacant grinning around about then!

But you know it totally destroyed my creative impulses. I couldnt write. My mind became mediocre. Even my appreciation for other peoples writing was somewhat buggered.I wasnt appreciating nuances.So it was worth it, going off it. Perhaps it is better to be a depressed, pissed off asshole than a vacantly grinning, happy idiot.

Ugh I went back to the gym after a long hiatus and worked relatively hard and I am now in fucking agony!

Judge Jane wrote:

I've felt angry but never the sort of crippling anger that can take over a person. It's not an emotion I've often felt.

Crippling anger is a perfect description of what I have felt towards Mark at times.Anger turned inward for me =Depression ( with a capital D!)

LOL. Sheila is getting physical, physical, woohooo:P Good examples. Sheila 's depression might be circumstantial ie; there is a reason for it. or it might be like Anne's; there is no reason.

Anne- Just make sure you keep tabs on yourself. The whole point of depression is that you're trying to be strong for, too long. So; if you try and figure out the "mechanics", yourself, realize that there might be no mechanics behind it at all;you're just out of balance. A neutral professional can see the "mechanics" from a "healthy prespective and give you some tools to work with. It will pass; it's a matter of time but, don't let it "stew" by trying to be all in control and thinking you can figure it out. Don't get frustrated when you can't. Sometimes you have to be stronger and say; "Okay, I'm stuck,here. Need some help to understand the mechanics, so i can move on"(also goes for when there IS a reason) It also feels empowering rather than admitting defeat. I felt I was really doing something constructive about it and I 've learned what to do, during depressy-times.I wasn't in the right frame of mind to figure it out; had only negative thoughts, anyway :P Be wary of drugs; it's crap!
Anyway; it's good to keep your people close and the holiday gives you more time to go out and stay active. And if it doesn't help; get help. It's like breaking your leg; you go see a doctor.

oh i know that dead feeling, i couldn't move just sat and cried. craig picked me up and literally threw me in the bath, cleaned me up and put me in bed. the next day he made me go to the doctors and talk to someone. after theo was born i went on fluoxetine and it just helped me keep from falling into those holes, i still have them but they aren't so bad now

Denovissimus wrote:

seek and destroy Rodney!

omg that Alcide sex scene was effing hot!

it was! I watched it 3 times!!!

Denovissimus wrote:

Depression is a controversial subject to me, shouldn't I be depressed by what I've lost? No, I am too angry to be depressed. But we are all built different *sigh*

Count your blessings is all I can say, others aren't so fortunate and still can find joy in life

Anyway, going to the hotel gym, then shower, then going to try out an Ethiopian restaurant

I dont think I am built to get depressed. I dont feel sad or down about things for long at all, and never to the point where it adversely affects my life.

everytime I turn the olympics on tennis is on!! So I have yet to have seen anything.


I finished the witching hour and everytime I read that book it STILL disgusts and angers me how easily Rowan gives herself over to Lasher and it just grosses me out when she has sex with a spirit. So fucking weird and repulsive! And poor michael! I am sorry, but Lasher I dont find charming at all. He is annoying the way he talks. Michael all the way! How can you even consider fucking that retarded spirit Lasher when you have that amazing hunk of a man Michael?

Anyway, I am rereading Lasher now. Just finished the part where he killed Gifford with his evil sperm.

Quote :

Anne- Just make sure you keep tabs on yourself. The whole point of depression is that you're trying to be strong for, too long.

Well I am not totally new to darkness so hopefully I know my limits. I kind of sort of know how this started, it was a mix a lot of things that gave me the idea that no matter what I do, life will always beat me down. Life won. Then I got tired, pretty much slept the winter through and hoped that spring would wake me. It never did. But I am trying very hard to pick up the pieces and putting them back together. Life has never truly gotten me before, not for this long. Its bit like I had run out of batteries and I am looking for a way to rechange. But enough of this. Too many depressive ideas. Away with you!

Yes, away with them

At train station in Milwaukee, nice relaxing hour and a half ride into Chicago, left the boy in charge of the dog for the first time, he better have cared for her! I don't he would yell at her as much as I do though, lol

An Anne Rice picture at the forum dedicated to her...

I know, pretty radical that one!!

LadyMandingo wrote:

I finished the witching hour and everytime I read that book it STILL disgusts and angers me how easily Rowan gives herself over to Lasher and it just grosses me out when she has sex with a spirit. So fucking weird and repulsive! And poor michael! I am sorry, but Lasher I dont find charming at all. He is annoying the way he talks. Michael all the way! How can you even consider fucking that retarded spirit Lasher when you have that amazing hunk of a man Michael?

Anyway, I am rereading Lasher now. Just finished the part where he killed Gifford with his evil sperm.

I need to re-read TWH, been years now, But as for Lasher over Michael, remember Lasher can make himself look like anyone, and as Rowan told Carlotta, he has the cock of an archangel!!

Archangels don't have cocks!

On train from downtown Chicago back home to Berwyn, Miguel's sister in law picking me up at station

back home and doggie and alive and looks cared for!